my tiny little snowman!

mind goes poof!

I figured instead of writing so much crap...

From now on every day I will represent my thoughts visually...

[it looks blurred and shitty on my computer, but you can click to enlarge]

what a curse.

just can't hate anyone even if that would probably make life easier.
I see the good in everyone. When things cool down... deep within I know not to take things personally... its not my problem what others do or say to me, its their own.
I see the humanness behind the mistakes of others that affect me
the human behind the judging, misconception, blaming, insecurity... I can't help but seeing... a human who sees things the way it does because of its past experiences... a different human, period. And I simply cant put a soul out of mine just like that.

What a curse... although this world would probably be a much more peaceful place if everyone suffered this same curse.

SNOW!!!

I FEEL FREE!!

so after these 11 1/2 hours of well deserved sleep... what next?
Time to make some plans..

If she only knew... she'd never feel alone.

Creative Mornings

I loved this site! :-)

http://www.creativemornings.com/

Time stops for no one...

I'm spring cleaning in here... dusting here and there...
disposing some thoughts and organizing others.
DISCIPLINE starting with the smallest things.
Trying to make healthy choices, physically and emotionally.
Finally feeling closer to emotional independence.
goals are back in focus.
...finally reaching another high point in this emotional roller coaster.
waking up. Wanting to be here. Valuing life more.
Sacrificing a number of things for the right cause eventually has its results.

This soul wants change

22

Traditional cake <:-)

Mommy :-)

Nephew


Sister! ^_^

Sister's Family

I celebrated my birthday with family.
It was a very traditional birthday :-)
with a traditional birthday cake, full of family warmth.
I missed that...

I loved my b-day.

repressed words

Here is an immature childlike tantrum. Things I think about with no purpose. Today simply overflowed out of me. I Needed to vent. So I did. I was a click away from ridiculously mailing a version of this to "lachevere... @hotmail.com". I figured if I was feeling bad because I have no family, I should share my negative cloud with her. Then I noticed JUST IN TIME that I was lowering myself to a level I was not proud of, So I did not mail this. but I needed it out. So here it is.

I dont like erasing my posts... even if later on my thoughts differ but this is a different case.

||THIS MESSAGE HAS BEEN REMOVED AND REPLACED WITH GOOD THOUGHTS||

time flys... look at mom, shes 22. She looks so young.

They were happy.

:(

you talk to much, you never shut up you talk too much...

So, after my last post I started thinking ... damn I TALK SO MUCH...

that lead me to remembering the "you talk too much" song, in an old Felix The Cat cartoon, My brother and me use to fool around tickling each other punching each others bellies while chanting the song, (imitating the machine thing) anyways, I was surprised to google it and noticed forums where other people had the song stuck in their heads too. So i found the name, its "Bold King Cole". I love how the cloud slices open, i have always pictured clouds solid and containing things.

I also remember "Neptune Nonsense" and The golden egg bird one..

ok, I admit it. I miss them together.

... ok so I have been procrastinating for the last hour and a half. I have been scratching my head, lost in the patterns of light and shadows casted on the floor from the christmas tree and youtubing Juan Luis Guerra 440 songs, Fernando Villalona's "America Latina" and other songs that have been leaking into my thoughts for some reason...

This is the first time in a very long long time that the holidays actually feel special. The family got together for thanksgiving! Mom made turkey with stuffing and a whole load of baked yummy things. I saw my aunts and uncles dance and laugh. It was like "back in the days" the only difference is there were no zapatitos de charol, ruffle layer dresses or my cousins and me doing our silly performances. It still really felt closer to what thanksgiving was supposed to feel than anything in these past 10 years (at least for me, I think that the first years of life are very important in marking what things should be like for us, they create the definition of the world for us, and holidays in my childhood were very important, so to me thats how they should be.) Today we bought the christmas tree stuff ornaments and the tree! We can be broke for many things right now, but the christmas tree and its ornaments was a MUST! I finally have an xmas tree in my house!! Something I longed for so much since 98. The smell of pine, the little blinking lights and colors. The warmth. For some reason that whole beautiful christmas tradition changed once we moved to DR. Santa was switched for the "reyes magos" and their camels story, IN JANUARY... now that kills everything -_- ... what is christmas without the excitement of opening the gifts under the tree on christmas morning.

So Im happy!

My brother is moving here in just a week... so it'll be mom him and me. Hopefully my brother and I will get along... We are going to be together! :-)

So Im happy!

... right?

I can't believe he is almost 20... I CANT BELIEVE IM 22 this sunday!!

Doesn't time fly... really. Mom had me when she was this age. I remember daddy's corny jokes... and all the good stuff about having him around. I wonder if he is ok, or if he misses "the family" like I do. I miss him. Never mind the fact that he deprived me of living my teenage years in a "normal" way, with gradual steps into freedom... or screened the glass through which I saw life making life's reality smack me in the face in the cruelest way possible when I was finally on my own... I mean, you can only blind your child for so long... No I don't exactly blame him for myself later making ALL the mistakes a free teenager could ever make. Tripping more times than anyone can imagine over the same kind of mistakes... That was my fault for not being smarter, stronger or whatever I was supposed to be. Anyways, THATS NOT THE POINT. regardless of the negative stuff in my family... I always had SO MUCH LOVE, regardless of being beat countless times for ridiculous reasons they ALWAYS stood up for me. They were THERE, they listened to what I had to say, they babied me, they were very affectionate, they fulfilled my wishes as far as they could. I was the princess :-) Every one of my childhood b-days was important. Nothing made me happier than being helpful, useful to them, the "perfect daughter". That made me feel complete. life revolved around it. The beatings... well they apologized after I turned 13. People change with experiences... call it more education... I don't know, but they do take it back. My parents were both REALLY THERE. very very affectionate and today i remember childhood for all that positive stuff there was to it. Today feels close, that holiday warmth and the happiness is finally back...

Im a lil sad though... Just a little..

because it will never be exactly the same, because my dad is not here, because there will be no surprise cake after midnight on new years, because he is turning 50 this year and it's supposed to be special, because he must probably feel lonely, especially after my brother comes here. That "perfect little girl" in me is begging me to save up and buy a flight so I can be by his side dec 31st... but... how would it make me feel to share the same space with his 24-year-old bitch girl friend that was hanging around before the divorce... this bunch of years that mean a lifetime to me... ALL MY EXPERIENCES... 21 years... mom and dad lived that TOGETHER. They were each other's world. They can't just get over each other can they? I feel it. They miss it. Stupid society, stupid ideas of wrong and right (imposed by society... ) They could be so happy right now just forgetting EVERYTHING.

anyways... i have to stop writing now. I have SO MUCH work to do. School and real world. Luckily this is a great way to breath all the thoughts out and get back to work. daaarn it! todavia me pica la jodía cabeza. (yes I washed my hair! This is just NOT the conditioner for me.

it just overflows from my soul... and my lips have to work hard to seal it in.

unplugged

There are so many directions the end of the day can take... how interesting can life be? Sitting there in the middle of the "normal" routine on that train I always take, there is one thing I was so sure of. I knew I'd be on that train until it got to my stop then walk those 3 or 4 blocks home, the stairs, shower, lotion, catch a bite, work on that project, check Facebook, procrastinate and so on. Or, I could make it different. I love challenging myself just for fun... How amazing are those provoked coincidences that have a 50% chance of working and unleash a rush of excitement, When they do work its so perfect. When they don't work, you just feel silly but there is one thing that you take with you; you know you tried. :-) Life... well its always surreal for me. How real can it be ever? To me its like a dream. Sometimes I cant care anymore... nothings wrong with anything. Nothing is right with anything... things just are. They can take any direction. (hopefully not nightmarish)

---at another point of time, another day, another place there she is again. Everything went blank and she is playing that probability game in her head. What comes next? purposelessly overstaying her welcome- Something snapped and she decided to start doing things a little differently. We made it home... as usual. Well no, this time not so usual. but as planned. So we sticked to that... During sleep something else snapped and the glass we see life through changed it's properties again. Like waking into another moment in time. The change was not as gradual as usual.... without notice things look different, different perspective, meaning, purpose... bright. renewed. real. true. Like some one else took the wheel now, she has been here before with her square view of the world that somehow keeps her smiling every time she keeps a rule or follows a plan. She has this joy fueled by the feeling of accomplishment of every tiny thing she determines herself to.

I wonder how long she will be around this time. Even tho she is slightly boring, she smiles from inside. She is here to make things right... right? Well yes, to make things right. Hopefully no real harm has been done to any of the souls she interacted with while things just were.

I guess this glass will keep changing with the pass of time. I overanalyze that so much. Its very weird to me how things in life never stop switching their values and meaning to us.

does any of this make any sense?

Our little details and imperfections are the essence of who we are.
If I started to like yours... would that mean I like you too much?

Im thankful for...

feeling free,
to change my day, to break routines,
or to simply walk in a different direction.
For the sensation of light fresh rain on my eyelids,
For the simple things like like the sound of stepping in puddles, the smell of rain,
or the crunchy sound of dry leaves,
knowing what love feels like,
knowing what it was like to grow in a family (regardless of its flaws)
those kind strangers that step out of their own bubbles to share their smiles, proving that the world is not as cold and robotic as it was starting to feel,
being here,
being me.

...these cozy sheets,
got sleepy...
i'll add to this post tomorrow. :-)

love dies

Something can mean the world to us one day,

and be loathed the next.

Our realities, our perspectives and that glass we choose to see the world through

are constantly changing with or without our awareness of it.

Life is constantly on the move.

I choose to keep a solid impression of the positive impact people and experiences have had in my life. The things that once made me feel such bliss that made it difficult to be put in words are worth remembering. Regardless of how these experiences could have unfolded to produce a negative impact on my soul. They once made me feel so alive and that is what is worth remembering. Even if my feelings are finally dead.

rings a bell from the past...

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the morning
'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

Aahh, the sun is blinding
I stayed up again
Oohh, I am finding
That's not the way I want my story to end

I'm safe, Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain, Inside
You're my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence...
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
When I won't remember, save your breath, 'cause what's the use?

Aahh, the night is calling
And it whispers to me softly, "come and play"
Aahh, I am falling
And if I let myself go, I'm the only one to blame

I'm safe, Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain, Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm comin' down, Comin' down, Comin' down
Spinnin' round, Spinnin' round, Spinnin' round
Looking for myself.. Sober

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good, 'till it goes bad
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry
Never again
Broken down in agony
And just trying to find a friend...

PINK - "SOBER"

oblivion

disappear . blank . pause . soar . twirl . far . air . empty . light . bright . clouds . fluffy . comfort . fiction . human nature . mediocrity . hurt . point . lie . accuse . judge . permanent words . permanent harm . deliberate . disturbed . family . dark . giggles . screen . lonesomeness . illusion . sparks . laughter . beat . bruise . permanent scars . warmth . hugs . wounds . pointless . smiles . worlds . surreal . minds . thoughts . heal . cold . broken . magic . ideals . dreams . mend . distracted . unfulfillable . reality . lack . purpose . eyes . gaze . stare . soulless

Mr Time ... may you pause for just a week..
Please?

And this is the song that was stuck in my head for this week:

It makes me drift to another realm. :-)

Have not payed much attention to its lyrics tho...

I loved this:

Cambiar es aterrador. No hay manera de evitarlo. Cuando es real, duele y da miedo como nada. No puedes pretender que no es así. Pero cuando sales del otro lado del túnel, lo que originalmente se sentía mal da lugar a una versión de ti más fuerte, serena y clara.

Hoy, busca un momento tranquilo y permítete ir hacia adentro de ti. Abre tu corazón y enfrenta tus miedos. Deja que salgan a la superficie. Siéntelos. Esto hará que pierdan poder, dándote espacio para enfrentar tus fantasías.

(its the kabbalah mail thingy for today)

Act to see change...

"If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always gotten"

this is definitely NOT just a corny video.

DEEPLY INSPIRING, WATCH IT. :-)
I've seen this a few times before.
Seeing it makes me treasure life and what I have a lot more.

Halloween- Flapper Costume-

I was a flapper for halloween. :-)

I bought the costume @ last minute and my sister did my make up.

You can't really see the whole costume or colors in these pics, I'll upload one soon enough.

Oooh, I found old pics

9 months old.

Couple of months old. // I know, looks like some other baby.
But yeah, thats baby roxy.



Caught escaping. O.O !

The first snowman I remember.
Its My lil brother, my sis, mom and dad. The other guy is
Licey, Leecy, Lici, or however our cousin's name is spelled, which was over on vacation.

have our parents heard of picnic blankets????

look at our faces. Itchy irritated lil woman.

Day light savings change

yo sintiendo la noche taaaaan larga...

pensando... "pero es que el tiempo no corre?"

Nop. El tiempo se frizo por una hora.

how magical is that?!

Random Thought... | Intertwined |

como que... le coji cariño si.

Random data from last night.

AMAYA SENIALA UN POSTER EN EL SUBWAY

AMAYA - Ayyyy me gusta ese kerning!!

GRACE -¿Cuál, el morenito?

>pop<
Rude awakening. Forced out of my cozy warm bubble.

The Kabbalah Thingy for today...

Make someone happy :-)

It is time to stop doing everything for yourself. Seek opportunities to give to others.

Today, Seek opportunities to give your energy, your kindness, your patience. Maybe you will let someone talk a little longer than usual about their problems, if that is something that tends to bother you.

Do things that you know will make other people feel good, without sticking to the results, without expectations. You are not doing this to feel good or validated. You are not going to change anyones life with these actions. Forget about all this, this is all from your ego. Do it because you need to come out of the world of your comfort zone.

carefree...

...then finally she looks in the mirror, and she is in peace with those eyes looking back at her. The face is wearing a smile as usual... but there is something about it today. Its authentic.

She is happy.

sharing a bubble...

human - isolation - seconds - breaths - smiles - energy - heartbeats - whispers - cuddles - sheets - lust - skin - hours - days - time - words - comprehension - water - stories - real - >pop <-